Working your way through Hollywood is like traveling in a foreign land in which you do not speak the language.

Babelfish is woefully behind the times in regard to ExecuSpeak; I’ve yet to find an Executive to English dictionary. Therefore, I’ve prepared for you your own handy-dandy pocket reference guide, to help you to navigate the murky waters of Tinseltown.

ExecuSpeak © 2011 Princess Scribe*

1. Your premise sounds intriguing: I have no idea what your story is about.

2. Your project is too small for our needs: Where are the tits and explosions?

3. We don’t accept scripts from non-represented writers: I’m an intern. I take great joy in sharing the daily ass-attack I receive.

4. Your project is too large for us: We have no money. Never have. We do have a nifty name. And logo. See – it’s on my card.

5. Your script could use some cutting: I like Cliff notes, don’t you?

6. There aren’t enough twists and turns in your story: I’ve been taking Ritalin since birth.

7. Yes, I’d love for you to come in and pitch: I looked you up on Facebook. Nice tits.

8. I’m sorry, but we are going to pass on your project: BTW, you can’t copyright an idea.

9. We don’t do period/historical pieces: My wife wants a Mercedes. I have to keep my job.

10. Your script is beautifully written, in the top 2% of all I’ve read: I couldn’t get past page 12. Too many syllables.

11. Interesting: I’m sorry, did you say something?

12. We’re looking for something more high-concept: Shit, I wish I had bought “The Hangover.”

13. I’ll get back to you: I’m putting your number on call-block.

14. We already have a similar project. See number 8.

15. Do you have anything else? Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

So, there you have it. If you have any other phrases that you need help with, please feel free to leave them in the Comments section. The translators will get right on it.

Now, go write.

HRH – Princess Scribe

* – all in good fun. Some of my favorite people are executives